‘Tis the season to attempt to make everything right. Maybe, just maybe, there are other options. Don’t miss Kim Porter’s “Dear Neighbor” opinion for December.
Dear Neighbor,
When my son was around two years old I tried my best to change his mind. It was Christmas and I had gone all out and spent $5 on his gift. I thought it was the ‘gift of gifts.’ I searched for the perfect gift that was in our price range – $5. Mind you, it was over 60 years ago. $5 was a lot of money and I was in College.
Why was I a bit irritated? Because he wanted to play with an empty oatmeal box, rolling it around the floor, into the Christmas tree and where we all wanted to walk. He just didn’t understand that his parents just spent $5 on him. But, he was in hog heaven. He had found what was fun and didn’t realize his parents were disappointed. His opinion of what was fun was not what I thought it should be.
Over the decades I thought it was my responsibility to change people’s minds. I was formerly trained to show what was correct, right, and best for them as a minister. Show them the way. Tell them what might happen if they went astray. Pull them aside and remind them there is a way and I want to help them get there. I was trained to meet people where they were, as they were, and try to change them.
Thank goodness I failed. Somewhere along the way I realized I didn’t have all the answers. I did not possess the ability to do that. Their opinions were theirs and I should seek other avenues to communicate with them. It was not my job to change people’s opinion.
Epictetus assisted me. He reminded me that a slave – someone’s property was subject to constant judgment from those who had complete power over their circumstances. But, they had no understanding of their inner life. The owner, boss, parent, and teacher form opinions about others character, intelligence, and their worth based entirely on their needs and prejudices.
My frustration with my son’s not selecting the $5 gift over an oatmeal box, my disappointment in someone’s political opinion, or my inability to change one’s mind is not my responsibility. Changing someone’s opinion may not be the direction I should go if I want someone to look another way. People judge from within their existing framework. And until I experience or feel where they are, I am not sure I have a right to judge them, much less change them.
The oatmeal box experience manipulated my reasoning and taught me to challenge people with logic, reasoning, love and dignity. It took awhile before I caught on. I wish I had gotten on my hands and knees with my son and played on the floor with that oatmeal box.
“Dear Neighbor” authors are united in a belief that civility and passion can coexist. We believe curiosity and conversation make us a better community.